I can zip my pants. This may not sound like earth-shattering news. But given the number of Christmas goodies I’ve already consumed this season, I assure you it's no small feat.
In fact, this may even qualify as a Christmas miracle, since all my spare time has been sucked into the Holiday Vortex, along with my usual daily two-mile walks. I lamented my lack of exercise until it dawned on me: Wait one cotton-pickin’ minute! I am busy! And busy burns calories!
So, in the spirit of holiday giving, I joyfully offer my contribution to society at large: The Holiday Equivalents Chart. By my calculations, and according to this Official Chart, I can enjoy the many flavors of Christmas without loosening my belt even a tiny bit. And so, my friends, can you.
The Official Holiday Calorie Equivalents Chart
- Lugging holiday boxes from basement/attic/garage = 3 Powdered Pecan Balls
- Screaming from creepy crawlies in box = 2 Frosted Sugar Cookies
- Beating creepy crawlies w/ broom & cleaning up the mess = 1 Peppermint Brownie
- Driving to 3 Christmas tree lots in search of perfect tree = 1 Mug of Hot Cocoa
- Untangling aggravating Christmas lights = Cheeseball and ¼ box of Triscuits
- Tossing tangled Christmas lights and driving to store for new lights = 1 Candy Cane
- Taking out a 2nd mortgage to pay for Christmas tree =3 Pieces of Fudge
- Keeping up with the laundry in the midst of it all = Chips & Dip on a festive tray
- Toting child(ren) hither and yon to choir practice and holiday parties = 4 Mini pigs-in-a-blanket
- Constructing and decorating Gingerbread house = 25 Red & Green Peanut M&M's
- Chasing wayward cat away from partially eaten Gingerbread house = 2 Homemade Chocolate-Almond Biscotti
- Attending 142 (or 9) Christmas play rehearsals = 9 Peanut Butter Kisses
- Brainstorming stocking stuffers for entire family = 3 Gingersnaps
- Composing witty yet meaningful Christmas letter = 2 Rum Balls
- Posing for annual holiday picture without blood or tears = 3 Christmas Oreos
- Shopping, shopping, shopping = 1 ½ cups Home made Chex Mix
- Waiting in line without Losing It = Handful of Spiced Pecans
- Baking umpteen thousand Christmas cookies = 4 Snickerdoodles
- Ranting at teen son (and friends) for snarfing most of cookies = 1 Piece Pumpkin Pie
- Wrapping Christmas presents until back spasms =1 Dinner Out OR ELSE
This concludes the annual milking of the system. With cookies, of course.