What I Learned When I Stopped Praying for My Husband


Fourteen years ago God clearly impressed on my heart to stop praying for my husband. And as contrary to scripture as that probably sounds, I did.

For about a year I did not utter a single prayer for him. And while I'm certainly not advocating that you cease praying for your husband (or anyone), I do believe that God sometimes leads us to do things that don't necessarily make sense initially. However, when we are led by the Holy Spirit and trust the Lord instead of leaning on our own understanding (see Proverbs 3:5), God moves.

Not praying for my husband for one year turned out to be the beginning of a breakthrough...for me. During that time, I learned:

My heart was truly selfish and self-centered. At the time, every prayer I prayed for my husband revolved around wanting something for myself. God not only wanted to expose my selfishness, He wanted my prayers for my husband to come from a pure heart--one that desired what God desired. He wanted me to pray according to His will, not mine.

My motives were often wrong. I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted my husband to be, and by golly, I was going to pray until that happened. Now part of that was good, because my husband did not yet know the Lord. And although God desired for my husband to give his heart to Him, my motives in praying for his salvation were more about how it affected my life instead of my husband's spiritual destiny.

I was immature. Because of this, when I prayed and did not see or sense change, resentment built. I didn't have an accurate understanding of God's timing, or appreciate that He often works behind the scenes. I also needed to grow in grace, allowing time for my prayers and the Holy Spirit to soften my husband's heart, instead of demanding that he get with the program now.

My reactions were sometimes completely wrong. Too often, I allowed my husband's bad reactions to trigger mine. And while God did not want my husband's words or actions to hurt me, the Lord gently showed me that my reactions were just as wrong. It was incredibly difficult to apologize for reacting wrong when I felt that my husband's actions were far worse, but that's not how God saw it. I was the believer, and I was called to be like Jesus.

The year I spent not praying for my husband allowed me to completely shift my focus away from his inadequacies and instead focus on the Lord and the work He was doing in my own heart. It also relieved the pressure I had placed on myself to personally usher my husband into God's kingdom. Yes, God uses our prayers, but He goes where we cannot go--into the heart--and ultimately He does what we cannot do--brings godly change and transformation.

While not praying for someone (especially your spouse) for a year is probably unusual, that year turned out to be exactly what I needed, and I'm convinced my husband was spared untold distress. I learned serious respect for the Lord's ways and developed a deep desire to pray in agreement with Him--even when that meant not praying for a season. When it was all over, my prayers started up again, only now they emerged from an entirely different perspective. God's.

And as long as I draw breath, my prayers will thus continue.

Click the photo below to download several scripture-based prayers to help you pray for your husband.
May God strengthen, comfort and encourage you as you pray.




26 comments:

Unknown said...

What an amazing journey -- thank you for being so real about the past state of your heart. I've learned a lot about trying to not pray my will. I've often asked God to change things about my husband, and most of the time, He ends up changing me instead.

Mining for Diamonds said...

Wow, Julie, you have no idea how much this post ministers to me. My hubby isn't an unbeliever, however if you've ever read my blog, we have our own unique set of issues that we deal with. I've had to do a tremendous amount of letting go of so many things in my marriage: my expectations, my desires, and even my husband. I'm still in the process of letting go of many things. Like you, I realized that many of the things I was "praying" for were actually self centered and all about me, me, me. It was a humbling journey to discover that it's not all about me, lol! Thank you for sharing this.

Lelia Chealey said...

I love that you were obedient!! Your obedience gave way for God to get deep into your heart. Thank you for sharing this, I love it!!

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

Beautifully written and very thought provoking. While my life situation is very different, the application is similiar. Thank you, Julie.

Fondly,
Glenda

ps. Praying with you today for your family.

Ginny said...

That is amazing! My prayers lately have been about what I want to happen in my life and I am not giving God the opportunity to work in me because I am constantly nagging for my way. Thank you Julie for this eye opening testimony.

Cheryl Barker said...

Julie, I've had selfish motives at times in praying for my husband, too -- bet we all struggle with that from time to time (or all the time!) This post is a great reminder for me to examine my motives concerning my prayers for my hubby. Thanks for sharing your testimony.

Diane said...

I need to focus on changing me and my attitudes right now also. God's timing is perfect for others. :O)

Anne Lang Bundy said...

I genuinely appreciate your candor, Julie. It's always an encouragement to hear the specifics of how other women struggle through marriages with husbands of no faith, or of nominal faith.

Kim said...

Julie,
Thank you for being so authentic in your post...your truth is an inspiration!
My not listening to God caused me many tears of frustration...so thankful that He continues to have patience with me.
Thanks again and blessings to you and your hubby!

Catie said...

The same thing (sort of) happened with someone close to me. She stopped going to church because church had become more important than her marriage. She waited for her husband to initiate going back to church and their marriage improved! :)

Amy Sullivan said...

Wow. I like this post, and I like you! You have a way of being vulnerable so readers can connect with what you are saying. Loads of stuff for me to think about here. . .like not trying to pray my husband into someone I think he should be.

Melanie N. Brasher said...

I really appreciate you sharing your journey with us! Often I try to pray my own selfish motives as well, so your words challenge me. Thank you.

Connie said...

Oh Julie,

I've just had a good long visit on your site...heart hurting as I read a post about your childhood...

My beloved husband was an unbeliever for many years and finally believed a month before he passed into eternity.

GOD used: LORD, CHANGE ME by Evelyn Christianson to change the way I lived my marriage.

I praise GOD that you are blessing so many by your words of wisdom!

stephanie said...

Wow does this hit home! When I really think about my prayers for him...I must admit the selfishness behind them at times...perspective...

Barbara Koob said...

Wow! Such true words! Thank you for candidly sharing. The Lord did the same for me when I changed my focus to be on Him and released my husband to Him.

Barbara Koob said...

Wow! Thank you so much for candidly sharing. The Lord did the same thing for me when I changed my focus and released my husband - all to Him. Our God is amazing!

Heart n Soul said...

wow...such honesty and vulnerability....and beautiful wisdom. Great post.

Anonymous said...

Oh Julie, this has truly filled my heart. Thank you. I also stopped praying for my husband before he became a Believer. Because, like you, my prayers were a laundry list of what was all wrong in him.

And I did not even look at myself.

Thank you for sharing this...

Maria.

Laura@OutnumberedMom said...

This is SO honest, Julie. Prayers from His heart is what we need. Interesting how we pray for change in others and He changes us!

Great post!

Dawn said...

That was a wonderful post. You are truly gifted. Thanks for sharing from the heart. I need to ponder this. It really spoke to me.

Dawn said...

Thanks for sharing from the heart. It's so hard not to pray for what I want to do.

Dawn said...

Thanks for sharing from the heart.

Holley Gerth said...

Wow, such a great perspective! Thanks!

Michelle DeRusha said...

Oh wow, Julie, I do appreciate this -- your honesty is so refreshing. And I absolutely hear you -- so many of my prayers are really just self-absorbed mutterings with nothing but myself in mind. This post is very illuminating for me.

Caroline said...

Great post, Julie.

I think it is especially important to notice when our prayers are truly selfish rather than focusing on loving without judgment. God's purposes are higher, better, and greater than ours. His will should always be preferred over our own. Thanks so much for pointing this out!

Rachel Beran said...

Wow, you seem to have struck a cord with this one, Julie. Lots of comments!

Our pastor has been preaching about looking in the mirror (at ourselves) first before we look out the window (at others). I do believe that applies to our marriage partner as well. :)

Thank you for sharing this with us. Such transparency and GREAT words of wisdom. Now, I pray I can apply them to my own life! ;)

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