When God Says No - Part 2

Note: This post contains discussion of 'female issues' not intended for men or children.

"Do you think it could be cancerous?" Never one to beat around the bush, I leaned forward, bracing for the worst, not at all ready to hear it.

My doctor's elbows rested on a heap of file folders. His fingertips arced into a triangle that covered his mouth and chin. Leaning back into his chair, he cleared his throat. "Given your age, it's unlikely I'll find anything cancerous." He paused. "But there is always a chance."

A shiver raced down my spine. I had a mass, and it needed to be removed. Twilight Zone music played eerily in the back of my mind. "Hello, I'm Julie Gillies. I have a suspicious mass that needs to be removed."

Recently the elders and pastors of our church had anointed and prayed for me; it was scriptural, and I had done so with great faith, hoping that the Lord would have mercy and spare me from another potential surgery.

Apparently God said no.

Floating somewhere between denial and somebody please wake me up, I startled to find the surgery consent forms Dr. Pollack had placed in my hands. The breathtaking view of a local bay, resplendent with carefree boaters, was a sharp contrast to the dead weight I now felt harassing my shoulders. Five surgeries, God? Wasn't four enough? Even as Keith and I signed consent papers, I could not fathom how God could allow this to happen.

Three weeks later, in July 2006, the surgery was performed. Dejavu struck as the I.V. painfully found its way into a vein in my arm. My husband stood holding my free hand, his head shaking in disbelief. Here we go again, his face said. God help me, I whispered as the anesthesia began to take effect.

In the months that followed, my body struggled to heal. The good news? No cancer. The bad news? I returned to the doctor's office on four separate occasions due to continued bleeding, enduring four chemical cauterization procedures, which I assure you is every bit as awful as it sounds. Eventually the trauma came to and end, and complete healing came - just not the way I would have preferred.

Through it all, God spoke to my flabbergasted heart. My grace is sufficient.

I willed my mind to grasp the words I hardly wanted to hear. Are you sure, Lord? Cuz sometimes it hurts so badly. I just wanted you to heal me.

"But He said to me, My grace, My favor and loving-kindness and mercy are enough for you, that is, sufficient against any danger and to enable you to bear the trouble manfully; for My strength and power are made perfect - fulfilled and completed and show themselves most effective - in your weakness.

Therefore I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ, the Messiah, may rest - yes may pitch a tent over and dwell upon me!" - 2 Corinthians 12:10 (Amplified Bible)

There are things we will never understand this side of heaven. Yet I believe God is sovereign - and good. Even when His answer to me is "No", I will not stop trusting Him. In spite of pain, hardship, and confusion, I will choose to trust Him, serve Him, and love Him wholeheartedly.

How about you? Has God said "No" to you when a "Yes" was what you desperately wanted to hear?


Copyright © 2008 Julie Gillies. All rights reserved.

When God Says No

Note: The following post contains discussion of 'female issues' not intended for men or children.

A suspicious mass? Trembling, I stared incredulously into the eyes of the area's best doctor, willing my mind to grasp the words I had no desire to hear.

Beset by chronic, serious female problems, I had capitulated to a 4th (and hopefully final) surgery; a hysterectomy in July of 2003. Yet bizzare symptoms soon materialized. Unexplained pain and bleeding persisited long after my uterus was gone. Month after month I fought rising panic and disbelief. There was no obvious medical reason for the bleeding. But there was pain and stress in abundance, which ultimately led to this current appointment with a highly recommended and well known specialist.

Stunned by his unwelcome news, tears brimmed. I felt uncomfortably warm. Why is God allowing this to happen…again?

Prior to having “The Big H”, I spent five years hoping, praying and believing that God would heal me. I also tried hormone creams, medications and dietary changes, to no avail. The elegant blue and white comforter in our bedroom received a regular dousing of my prayerful tears. Surely God heard me. Surely He would intervene. However, I became so anemic that my doctor wondered how I functioned. Truthfully, I lived in a constant state of exhaustion. Due to the severity of my symptoms, I regularly became housebound for days at a time. The severe hemorrhaging left me faint and unable to live a normal life.

Eventually I was left with no alternative. At the age of 42, I underwent the dreaded hysterectomy (leaving ovaries intact) and spent six grueling weeks recuperating. I survived the painful recovery by God's grace, imagining a normal and healthy life at last.

Now, three years later, my husband and I sat across from Dr. Pollack's stately desk, shocked and overwhelmed. The reason for the bleeding, via results of recent ultrasound tests, made my heart beat double-time. "It appears that your left ovary has migrated downward and attached itself to your cervix."

Excuse me? One of my body parts migrated?

The doctor continued. "The resulting mass is surrounded by vascular tissue, which indicates suspsicious activity and probably contributes to your symptoms."

Sensing his next words, I recoiled on the inside. No. Not again. I will not endure one more surgery.

"You'll definitely need surgery." Dr. Pollack looked me squarely in the face, tapping a black pen on his left palm.

Shaking inside, I grasped my husband's hand, and tried hard to exude a bravery I was not feeling.

Join me next week for Part 2 of "When God Says No".

A Young Girl's Dream Come True

So there we were, in Michigan, pumped and stoked. Pumped because the refreshing air and golden leaves made my daughter and I giddy. Stoked because Emily's debut as an extra in a feature film beamed on the horizon. Throw in fresh, warm donuts and hot cider and I promise you we both nearly swooned.

I declare that when I step through heaven's gates, it will smell remarkably similar to this fabulous cider mill where fresh donuts are made all day long. Mmmm.

Fast forward to mid-week, when filming on Main Street was scheduled. Unfortunately, the weather refused to cooperate. Due to rain, all exterior scenes were cancelled, and the filming switched to inside of Gina's Bridal shop. While the crew set up, we stepped inside and took some pics, thanks to my handy sister, who knew every person on the set.

Emily watching the preparations for a soon to be filmed scene.

Okay, I admit it. I am entirely out of the Hollywood loop. I did not know who the stars were, so sue me. But Connie pointed out Michael Vartan, the male lead, and I snapped his picture while he gave a local interview.

While we ate lunch right next door to the bridal shop, Connie said, "Oh Julie, there's Sean Astin. Go take his picture." You guessed it - I didn't know who he was, either. Apparently he was in Lord of the Rings, and my husband and son were thrilled and wanted the picture, so I stepped outside the sandwich shop and clicked away, desperately hoping that I was photographing the correct person.

Sean Astin trying to keep dry.

On Thursday we were informed that due to uncooperative weather, the production schedule was completely changed and no extras would be needed until Saturday morning. Unfortunately, our flight required us to be at the airport at the crack of dawn...on Saturday morning. Although disappointed that things did not work out, Emily's attitude was surprisingly good. I was so proud of her!

On Friday morning, I tried in vain to check in for our flight on-line. Imagine my surprise in discovering that our flight didn't leave at 9am, but 9pm. Stunned, I could only wonder how on earth I had chosen the wrong flight. You see, I detest flying at night and never book night flights.

"Mom, don't you see?" Emily piped up from the next room. "God is making it so I can be in the movie!"

Well.

A perfect, cloudless Saturday morning found us downtown in the midst of Hollywood come to Michigan. Emily wound up in 4 or 5 scenes. And guess what? I even became an extra for one scene...right along with my daughter. What fun we had doing our little parts together 6 times. I can only hope that we don't wind up on the cutting room floor.

The director, J.B. Rogers (in white T-shirt) getting the perfect shot.

Emily on set between takes. (In the bright pink shirt behind the bush.)

Emily has big dreams. She hopes to act for several years so that she can earn a lot of money - in order to finance building an orphanage. In India. At some point, she also desires to teach young children. But for now, we are both amazed at God's faithfulness to coordinate schedules and open doors - and His goodness to give a young girl the desire of her heart.

An Autumn Thrill

Autumn is my absolute favorite season. The fall foliage is a spectacular, never-ending smorgasboard for my eyes. Crisp, refreshing air, fresh apple cider and warm donuts just make me want to twirl. And I frequently do. (It burns calories, you know.)

Unfortunately, I live in Florida - land of zero autumn. But guess what? As you read this, I'm not in Florida. I'm waaaay up north, in Michigan - my former home state and home of my favorite (and only) sister. Why, I'll bet as you read these very words I'm twirling in a brisk breeze, singing for joy because I get to wear a sweater.

My (nearly) 13-year old daughter, Emily, doesn't usually get to come with me on these fall visits, but this year is different. Waaay different. Emily is thrilled to be an movie extra in a production currently filming in Michigan. My sister Connie works in the industry, and is working on the set, so it will be a real family event, sort of. On a side note, Connie is also executive producing three T.V. pilots and hopes to find a buyer for (at least) one of them next year. God knows we need more Christians in the movie industry!

I will be playing the part of the ever-watchful mom on the sidelines, making sure my daughter is protected every second on set. I love how God throws these little adventures into my life. Especially when autumn is part of the thrill.

How about you? Would you allow your son or daughter to be in a movie? Do you think Chrisitians belong in Hollywood (or in the thriving movie industry in Michigan)?

And tell me - do you get to enjoy fall in your neck of the woods?